I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
