apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
