Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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