The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
