Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Ketchup is God's man juice
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
