i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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