Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I want a musical about memes.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
