The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
