There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
