I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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