I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
