i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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