I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize