Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
