Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
now i know why i became what i already was.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
