i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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