Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
