you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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