Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
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