Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
