Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
