Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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