we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
