someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
