she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize