I want to make a zoo with you.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
i think my cat just said my name.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
