Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
