Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
