My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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