took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
