On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
