Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize