I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
