i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
