A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
