I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
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