if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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