Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize