I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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