I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You can't special order awesome
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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