Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
