So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
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