Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
