connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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