I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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