im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Randomize
