My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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