My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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