Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Randomize
