how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
