did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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