i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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