Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
