I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
