farters have to be the big spoon...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
