at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
