I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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