grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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