nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
