its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
