all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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