i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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